On the morning of Friday, April 14, 2017, Ashland experienced a wake-up call, what will forever (at least locally) be known as The Good Friday Attack. Electrical service to the north part of the city, including most of downtown, was shut down.
Authorities quickly determined the cause. A squirrel had conducted a suicide mission by entering a transformer, which blew it. Noteworthy: only the perpetrator’s left, front forepaw survived intact. Wrapped around the wrist was a small locket with a tiny photo of Putin inside. Just sayin’ ...
I was at Rep. Greg Walden's town hall in Medford at the time. I believe it is entirely coincidental that the attack occurred shortly after a third hostile questioner identified themselves as: “I’m ______ from Ashland.”
A massive manhunt, er, squirrel hunt, was immediately undertaken to round up the rodent’s friends, family members, associates, etc. to determine if the attack was part of a larger terrorist conspiracy or simply a “lone squirrel” attack. The city is flying in Rep. Devin Nunes, former co-chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, to interrogate any uncovered co-conspirators.
The urban deer population is grateful that the community’s focus has now been deflected away from them and to the squirrels. You know, like bombing Syria.
Obviously, infrastructure spending must focus on the electrical grid. Please join me in calling for the immediate development of MOAG — The Mother of All Grids —– to guarantee rodent-proof transformers throughout our nation, except for Washington, D.C.
As usual, Ashland has chosen to be at the forefront of necessary change. A task force, to the action group, of the subcommittee, will have its initial meeting within a week. As always, extensive community input will be solicited and an environmental impact statement (one per transformer) will be obtained. Already, several council members have disavowed campaign contributions from producers of chicken wire, mesh, screening and related products.
Whoever those responsible for the attack are, they are not without mercy. It does not go without notice that the attack was delayed until after March Madness and easily repaired before the NFL Draft.