Explosion in




Oakland




High school graduate and megalomaniacal talk-show hostess Posie O'bominable joined actor, intellectual and University of Kansas dropout Charlatan Shine in demanding investigation of the Oakland interchange explosion.




They charge that "it was organized by Dick Cheney to distract people from Al Gore's crusade against global warming, raise gasoline prices, justify invasion of Iran, insure Republican victories in the 2007 Congressional elections, and cancel the next presidential election."




O'bominable believes a truck with safety violations was chosen and the driver given a phony felony and alcohol record. The truck disappeared and can't be checked, the driver left the scene without calling 911 in a taxi conveniently nearby. The CIA alerted Fox News to insure live coverage. Mossad warned Jews to take the ferry that day. Oakland was chosen to embarrass the Speaker of the House, hated by Republicans for being a woman. Callers reported incorrect locations to confuse emergency response teams. The California Highway Patrol redacted caller names, numbers and times, she concluded.




Shine, based on his experience playing with Erector sets and acting in war movies, claims 250 yards of steel-reinforced concrete cannot be destroyed with 8,600 gallons of gasoline. The explosion occurred precisely at the weakest point on the bridge. Explosives were placed ahead of time to go off in the fire. Advanced arrangements were made to ship the melted steel overseas before testing for mini-nukes or thermite, he asserted.




"We will not surrender till we get the answer we like, regardless of facts," the pair concluded.




David Churchman









Plaza substation




a good idea




I think a police substation on the Plaza will be very helpful. I hope they can get that man who has been standing there with a gun upon the fountain and lodge him in jail. He appears a public menace and a bad influence upon the children.




Patti Morey









No need for any




'spirit boost'




I guess I am a "granola-crunching escapee from California."




I came here with my family in 1996 to work at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival. Both of my sons were actively involved in high school athletics, both all-conference; one, an all-state first baseman. Nobody rooted harder for the Grizzlies than I did and still do.




Before crunching granola in California, however, I was a lobster-munching Bay Stater very much enamored of the natural beauty of that region. It is the same reason I leaped at the possibility of emigrating to Oregon. I have never drove along East Main Street without marveling at the beauty of Grizzly Peak. This magnificent range of hills graces the views all over Ashland.




Why on earth someone would want to despoil this vista with a big, ugly white "A" boggles the mind. The stadium is packed for football games, as is the gym for basketball and volleyball. The Mountain Avenue Theatre regularly plays to packed houses.




Ashlanders are proud of their home and high school as it is. We don't need a spirit boost of any kind. Further, and something to keep in mind for the landowner who fancies this idea, what usually follows this kind of gross provincialism are painted rock signs like "Go Class of 48" or "Reggie loves Jean." Let's keep it natural.




Doug Rowe









China's Wall to solve immigration




President Bush has found a way to solve the immigration problem.




He has announced the purchase of the Great Wall of China. Despite balance of payment inequities between the United States and China, Bush sais that the wall is a "real bargain."




When questioned about the quality of the wall, the president's spokesman, Tony Snow, said, "Hey, it kept the Mongols out. That's good enough for us."




The wall will be moved, stone by stone, from China to the boarder between the U.S. and Mexico. Historians are concerned about preservation of wall aesthetics, especially since the president predicts that it will be a "neat tourist attraction."




He happily concluded his announcement by saying, "This will worrisome the terrorists."




Bob Binnewies