It's been a long ride home. Life hasn't been easy. Last year's shift made the long, difficult passage all worth while.

As a girl, the world was overwhelming. It didn't make sense at all. I couldn't understand the tug in my heart for something more. At nine years old my father began sexually abusing and beating me. I soon found drugs and alcohol could numb the devastating suffering I endured during five years of abuse. That torment became a deep wound, a hindrance in my adult life and relationships.

Fast forward 28 years. I was 37 when I awoke on the fourth day in the hospital realizing I had attempted suicide in an alcohol blackout. I was dying (not fast enough as far as I was concerned). Being spiritually bankrupt, I was willing to try something different. Upon hospital release, I attended AA meetings becoming clean and sober.

For 10 years of sobriety, I explored the meaning of existence seeking different paths of awakening. I was ready to give up, stop all my practices, have a book-burning party, use all the CDs and DVDs as Frisbees. Enter "Waking Down in Mutuality."

Still chasing that illusive carrot of enlightenment, in September '07, I ventured into another "spiritual group." The visiting teacher made sense. Rather than waking up, he spoke of waking down. He said he was aware of Consciousness in his body while at the same time experiencing an expanded state of Awareness. I had not heard any teacher or path speak of including the body in their awakening — not in this way.

Two weeks later another "WDM" teacher looked into my soul (I felt) and said, "And what about you? Do you have something you'd like to say?" Crack! That was the sound my heart made. I don't recall what I said but I was crying, drooling and didn't care. Someone kept handing me tissues. It was beautiful to feel held while I unraveled. There was such a feeling of presence, attentiveness, compassion and honoring. I thought, "Wow, you mean you understand? It's okay to feel these things?" Such a sense of relief.

Someone handed me "Waking Down: Beyond Hypermasculine Dharmas," by Saniel Bonder. I flinched but something within reached out and took it. Even though I was breaking my promise, no more books, paths, or gurus, I dove in and began reading, attending workshops and meetings. Other books, Bob Valine's "The Second Birth," and "Healing the Spirit/Matter Split" by Saniel, inspired me to design an invocation, an intention asking for realization of Being to come to me. It worked!

The first big occurrence: a kundalini experience last April. With that came a feeling of purification, lightness. It was incredibly intense, not something I would recommend to anyone given a choice! Then my partner of over four years started backing away from our relationship. On June 30, my 18-year-old cat, Tigger, died. Two days later my partner ended our relationship.

As I began to experience the losses, I was not fighting or trying to fix the grief. I was feeling it deeply, venting, crying and allowing the feelings to fly freely. At times, the emotional bottom would seem to drop out and I would land in a pool of peace or bliss. I thought, "You mean pain can be blissful or peaceful too?" In not resisting, everything began to change. Everything felt sacred. From the beginning of my life, each piece a gift to help me land here "¦ here. I cried, from a love now alive in me. I wanted to thank my partner and Tigger for the gift they gave me. No thoughts of suicide. No back-up plan at all — just here!

Ashlander Shellee Rae's book, "Suffering: A Path of Awakening," will be released within the coming months. www.shelleerae.com .

See previous Inner Peace columns at www.dailytidings.com, search box: Inner Peace. To submit a 650 to 700 word article, e-mail your submission or questions to Sally McKirgan at innerpeace@q.com