Tales From The Crib

A call from the principal at school

Jennifer Margulis

Last fall I got a call from my daughter’s principal. “Jennifer, this isn’t going to be an easy conversation,” she began. “There are some concerns about your book.”

Three weeks earlier I had arranged with one of the leaders of the PTO to sell my anthology, “Toddler: Real-Life Stories of Those Fickle, Irrational, Urgent, Tiny People We Love” (Seal Press, 2003), as a benefit for Lincoln School where my daughter was a kindergartener. The plan was for me to set up a table at the Harvest Lunch, a gathering of families and administrators, and sign books. The money raised from the sales would be donated to Lincoln. I had heard that Lincoln, on the brink of being closed, was struggling financially and I believed that selling “Toddler” would be a good way to help out.

“Some of the parents are concerned about the language,” the principal continued. “On page 27 the ‘F’ word is used.”

I put down the phone and grabbed a copy of the book. On page 27, indeed, was the “F” word in a bittersweet story by a father of three toddlers (ages one, two, and three) who loses his temper on a long drive after several hours of incessant screaming. He is immediately sorry. The story, by Dennis Donoghue, is about trying to be the best father he can and about how his toddlers try his patience in ways that often leave him unhappy with himself.

“ … and again on page …”

The principal hung up saying she would talk to the superintendent. When I finished a consulting call with a client there were three messages on my machine. The first was good humored. “I talked to the superintendent,” she said, “and I think we’re okay. We’ll just include a disclaimer at the table that some of the language in some of the stories might be offensive.” The second was less friendly. “There may still be a problem. Please call me.” The third was cold. “Call me as soon as you can, please. I’ve decided we simply cannot allow you to sell the books.”

When I finally spoke to her again, the principal was decidedly unfriendly. “I’ve made my decision,” she said in a tone that brokered no disagreement. “The language in the book is not appropriate. I have not read the book but there is one story in particular …”

The concern was no longer the “F” word but a story called “Slow to Warm” by Brett Paesel, an L.A. based writer and professional actress. Paesel describes how insecure she feels when her son starts preschool. While other mommies drone on about how to get Johnny to eat vegetables, the narrator starts fantasizing about sex.

“It’s lewd. It’s crass. It has profane language,” the principal said. “I don’t know why you decided to include this essay in your book, and why you didn’t tell me about it right at the beginning.”

I wasn’t sure how to answer. Our plan had been to sell books to adults, many of whom had toddlers and all of whom, one could safely assume, were familiar with the “F” word and human anatomy. “I think you need to read that story in context. It’s very honest and raw and funny.” Paesel’s juxtaposition of the mommies talking vegetables and the narrator’s tongue-in-cheek fantasy — which gets increasingly bawdy — is funny. It’s hysterical. But apparently this humor was lost on the good mommies on the PTO, the principal, and the superintendent.

“The cover is totally misleading,” the principal continued. “We had no idea. I do plan to read the book but I’ve made my decision. I don’t want this book sold anywhere at Lincoln.”

At one time or another we’ve all been less-than-perfect with our children. We parents sometimes use inappropriate language, lose our tempers, and fantasize about sex (we even have sex, which is how our children get here in the first place). The flyers announcing the book sale were pulled from every box at school. I did not go to the Harvest Lunch but I did sell the 50 books, contraband, and — bypassing the PTO — gave every penny back to the class to pay for an extra six weeks of music for the kinders.

Jennifer Margulis is a writer and the mother of three. Signed copies of “Toddler” are available at Bloomsbury Books and the Tree House. Her new book, “Why Babies Do That,” has yet to generate any controversy. Meet her in person at the Southern Oregon Author Fair on Nov. 20 at SOU.