June 23, 2005

‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith’: No movie here, just beautiful people

By Chris Honoré

Daily Tidings reviewer

First things first: “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” is not a movie. Not if you define a movie as telling a story that even remotely has a narrative arc, with characters that, let’s say, approach being interesting.

What “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” amounts to is an infomercial for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Regarding the plot, there is none there. It’s not a question of suspending your disbelief. It’s not a question of giving the movie some slack. Hollywood has broken new ground in faux film. Or let’s call it a McMovie.

Pitt and Jolie portray John and Jane Smith. They’re affluent, live in the suburbs, married for five years (she says six) and have very good jobs. They are civil to one another, but distant, unable to bridge an uncomfortable void. They’re seeing a marriage counselor. They drive conservative, midsize cars.

John and Jane are also, secretly, unbeknownst to one another, assassins who hire out for hits to the highest bidder. One or the other is often called out at night, unexpectedly, to kill someone. Which they do efficiently and without a hint of remorse. Jane even dresses up as a dominatrix for an assignment, barely clad in a black, severely low-cut ensemble, accessorized with a whip and these really high stiletto boots. For his assassinations, John favors an eastern preppy look, tweedy sport coat, pleated slacks, overcoat, scarf, and these two really big handguns.

Both are beautiful people and even when they’re angry with one another there’s, well, chemistry —- as the national, celebrity-driven magazines have gone to great lengths to point out. But moviegoers didn’t pay good money to be told about chemistry; it’s all about show, don’t tell. So, of course, there’s a dance scene involving lots of tequila and robust music that gives new meaning to the term steamy. And later, when they get really worked up and start trying to kill each other (don’t ask), using some serious weaponry as well as top-drawer martial arts moves, while demolishing their two-story, four-bedroom, three-bath colonial, the smiles on their faces tell us not to worry: It’s all just foreplay. And here we thought they were, like, really ticked off.

But wait. The tables turn. Suddenly it’s not John and Jane who are trying to kill each other, it’s the guys who hired them that are trying to kill them (don’t ask). Now we’ve got a chase film. And the Smiths have to work together to save themselves, and in so doing they begin to discover who they really are as people. Like, what’s deep down inside. Not just all that assassin killer type info, but really, you know, personal stuff. And suddenly, what they’ve been hiding from one another is grudgingly revealed (Jane’s mother at their wedding? Bogus.), all while driving on a freeway at speeds in excess of 100 mph and shooting back at the bad guys. It’s so cool when people start being honest with one another while firing a .9 millimeter. It makes you really care.

But wait. Caring about the characters is not what this film is about. Is it? Nah. This is about Pitts’ chiseled looks and Jolie’s come-hither, pouty expressions — and then there’s those lips. Does anyone in, like, real life have lips like those? Whew.

Does it really matter if none of this makes one whit of sense? Nah. Let’s see that chase scene again. Or how about where they had that shootout in the house -- it’s called remodeling by shotgun — and Brad motions to Jane and says, “Come to daddy.” And Angelina, giving Brad a nice head slam, says, “Who’s your daddy, now?” Now that’s cool dialogue.

So what’s up with them as a couple? In real life as opposed to what’s on the screen, which is, like, really real, but not real. Well, word is they’re together. Seriously. And Angelina has Brad doing save the world stuff, and that’s pretty cool. And, natch, he’s no longer with Jennifer, who is, like, thinking of joining a nunnery or something. You think?

MOVIES

Bewitched

A conceited actor, getting a last break as the lead in a remake of “Bewitched”, thinks a certain unknown would be perfect casting for the part of Samantha, but he doesn’t know she really is a witch.

Nicole Kidman, Will Farrell, Shirley MacLaine, Michael Caine, Jason Schwartzman, Steve Carell, Fred Willard. PG-13 for some language, including sex and drug references, and partial nudity/102 min.

Mad Hot Ballroom

A profile of several children and their journey into the world of ballroom dancing. The eleven-year-olds go from reluctantly participating to preparing to competing in citywide finals. PG for some thematic elements/105 min.

Herbie Fully Loaded

Maggie, the new owner of Herbie, a free-wheeling Volkswagon Beetle with a mind of its own, takes over for her NASCAR racing brother.

Lindsay Lohan, Justin Long, Breckin Meyer, Matt Dillon, Michael Keaton. G/101 min.

Land of the Dead

Ruthless opportunists in a skyscraper look down on a fortified city where people try to lead normal lives. Outside the city’s walls, an army of the living dead is evolving.. Inside, anarchy is on the rise. Written and Directed by George A. Romero (“Night of the Living Dead”, “Dawn of the Dead”, “Day of the Dead”) Simon Baker, Dennis Hopper, Asia Argento, Robert Joy, John Leguizamo. R for pervasive strong violence and gore, language, brief sexuality and some drug use/94 min.

Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D

A 10-year-old outcast forced to spend his summer vacation alone uses imaginary friends to prove that dreams can become reality.

Directed by Robert Rodriguez (“Spy Kids,” “Sin City”). Taylor Lautner, Taylor Dooley, David Arquette, Kristin Davis. PG for mild action and some rude humor/93 min.

Batman Begins

Disillusioned industrial heir Bruce Wayne, in the wake of his parents’ murder, travels the world to seek the means to fight injustice and turn fear against those who prey on the fearful. He returns to Gotham and unveils his alter-ego: Batman, a masked crusader who uses his strength, intellect and an array of high tech deceptions to fight sinister forces that threaten the city. Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Liam Neeson, Cillian Murphy, Katie Holmes, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, Ken Watanabe, Tom Wilkinson, Rutger Hauer. PG-13 for intense action violence, disturbing images and some thematic elements/140 min.

Cinderella Man

Biographical boxing drama about the life of Jim Braddock, a broken down ex-boxer who enters the boxing ring again out of desperation to feed his family during the Depression. He became a hero of the common folk as he battled his way up the ranks. Directed by Ron Howard (“Beautiful Mind”). Russell Crowe, Renee Zellweger, Paul Giamatti. PG-13 for intense boxing violence and some language/144 min.

Land Has Eyes

(Pear Ta Ma ‘On Maf)

From Rotuma, Fiji with English subtitles. Shamed by her village for being poor and the daughter of a wrongly convicted thief, Viki is inspired by the mythical Warrior Woman of her father’s stories to bring justice to those who conspired against her father. Written and Directed by Vilsoni Hereniko Sapeta Taito, Emily Erasito, Moriki Tigarea, Ritie Titofaga, Voi Fesaitu, Rena Owen. Not Rated/88 min.

Madagascar

Four zoo animals are shipped back to their homeland by well-meaning humans that believe the wilds will be less stressful for them. But the animals end up on the exotic island of Madagascar. Having been cared for their entire life, they know nothing about survival and must work with the locals to fit in. Voice talents of Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, Jada Pinkett Smith, David Schwimmer. PG for mild language, crude humor and some thematic elements/86 min.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

John and Jane are an ordinary suburban couple with a lifeless marriage. But they both have a secret:

Each is a legendary assassin working for competing organizations. And their new targets are each other. Directed by Doug Limon (“Bourne Identity,” “Swingers”). Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Vince Vaughn. PG-13 for sequences of violence, intense action, sexual content and brief strong language/120 min.

Perfect Man

A young woman tries to find the perfect man for her mom, as every failed relationship has led to a disruption of their lives. Failing to find one, she makes one up.Hilary Duff, Heather Locklear, Chris Noth. PG for some mildly suggestive content/101 min.

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

Four friends deal with the uncertainties of being apart for the first time the summer they turn 16. Amber Tamblyn, Alexis Bledel, Blake Lively, America Ferrara, Bradley Whitford, Nancy Travis, Rachel Ticotin. PG for thematic elements, some sensuality and language/119 min.

Star Wars: Episode III

Revenge of the Sith

After three years of fighting in the Clone Wars, Anakin Skywalker begins his journey towards the Dark Side of the Force,putting his friendship with Obi-Wan and his marriage to Padme at risk. Written and Directed by George Lucas. Starring Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Christopher Lee, Samuel L. Jackson, Frank Oz, Ian McDiarmid, Jimmy Smits, Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker, Peter Mayhew. PG-13 for sci-fi violence and some intense images/140 min.